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Once-in-a-Blue-Maroon Horoscopes
By Stella Figuera, Astrologer to the Quads

Aries March 21–April 19

Born under the sign of the Ram, you are energetic, original, pioneering, and innovative. All that’s keeping you from a Nobel Prize is a group of grumpy old men in Sweden.

Taurus April 20–May 20

Determined, persistent, enduring, stable, and stubborn, those born under the sign of the Bull truly believe that Michael Jordan will still be the NBA’s MVP in 1999. Gemini May 21–June 21 Born under the sign of the Twins, you are flexible, versatile, and agile. That’s how your friends see you. Your enemies think you’re out to destroy the Common Core.

Cancer June 22–July 22

Introverted and moody, security-conscious and prudent, you are born under the sign of the Crab. Although you often disagree with others’ opinions, you seldom speak up in lectures or classrooms. You do write letters to the editor.

Leo July 23–August 22

Like all those born under the sign of the Lion, you love the limelight, are competitive and speculative, an organizer and an extrovert. You wear interview suits and hang out in Rosenwald and Stuart Halls.

Virgo August 23–September 22

Born under the sign of the Virgin, you are logical, analytical, highly discriminating, critical, perfectionistic, and introverted. You’re the archetypal U of C student, professor, or staffer. Get a life.

Libra September 23–October 23

Idealistic, a peacemaker, gracious, kind, fair-minded, and courteous, if you’re born under the sign of the Scales, you naturally gravitate to the helping professions—no, not the Law School, the SSA.

Scorpio October 24–November 22

Intense, resourceful, bold, and secretive, those born under the sign of the Scorpion are drawn to investigations and research. You are reluctant to share your results before publication.

Sagittarius November 23–December 21

Optimistic, casual, and restless, those born under the sign of the Archer love to travel. If you’re a professor, you attend lots of conferences. If you’re a College student, you may not graduate on time.

Capricorn December 22–January 19

Practical, methodical, thrifty, responsible, and rigid, those born under the sign of the Goat have the makings of a mid-level University administrator.

Aquarius January 20–February 18

Unconventional, unique, independent, visionary, detached, and unpredictable, you’re born under the sign of the Water Bearer. You really miss the Sixties. And the Lascivious Costume Ball.

Pisces February 19–March 20

You are supersensitive, impressionable, compassionate, psychic, and peace loving. Born under the sign of the Fish, you should have gone to Brown.

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